I was diagnosed as bi polar 12 years ago, during my freshman year of College. Something terrible happened on my 18th birthday and I believe that was the trigger to how everything started going down hill. I struggled the whole of my freshman year. I don't think I slept at all. If I did I did not sleep before 6 in the morning. I never slept in my bed and I had terrible nightmares. So basically, I was uber depressed, scared and manic for a year until the end of frosh year. I really haven't told many people this, but I feel I need to because I believe in being open and honest about depression and suicide. At the end of the year, I tried to hurt myself. I tried to kill myself one night in my dorm room. Well, some of you might not be religious, but I believe in Jesus with my whole heart, though at this time, I was in "angry-at-God-mode." Before I was able to go through with hurting myself, I clearly heard a voice in the back of my head. A soft, "I love you," and I knew it was God telling me he was there, and that everything was going to be ok. God re-saved me that night.
I left the room and got help. I ran to my best friend and told her how I felt. That was the first time I sought professional help. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to to. It was embarrassing, though not unexpected. Everyone could see this coming. It was sad because my friends finally told me they couldn't help me anymore. They wanted to, but I needed help they couldn't provide. They were right. That night I finally saw that it was time to get real help. With time, I would even come to see that there was no shame in it. I am even here to tell you that there is NO shame in getting or asking for help. The only thing that matters is staying alive. Surviving. Keeping on breathing.
Sometimes when I have a panic attack, I have to focus on each breath. Because that is all I can do. I count every single breath, because that is how long into the future I can see. One breath, two, three. The most important thing is to keep going. Keep counting. Let the air fill your lungs full up then let it out, with all your fears. Just let them out. Push them away. Focus on what is real. Surround yourself with the real. What surrounds you? A door? A book? A window? A tree? Everything and anything that is real in your life. Focus on details and let the "unreal" float away. Push the scary monsters and thoughts (I call them many things) away. Let them float away with each breath. Soon, you will be surrounded by a grounded reality and you will have made it through the storm.
I will continue tomorrow. :-/ My struggle with medication. Now on to the mani!
Today's mani features China Glaze's In the Lime Light, 2 coats over Zoya Purity. In the Lime Light is a bright neon green. It is pretty summery and I think it is pretty great. I always have a hard time with white, so I hated using it as a base coat. However, white really does make Neons brighter and makes them more opaque in less coats. I did have a problem with my middle finger, the green pulled on my base coat, and I had to redo the whole nail. I wanted to make this mani a little different so added little green jewels. That is the extent of my nail art talent. They actually stayed on! :)
China Glaze in the Lime Light 2 Coats over 1 Coat Zoya Purity
In the Lime Light in the Sun
Neon Green with light and dark green Jewels
Here is a song I like by Nicki Minaj called Fly, I dunno I am not a Nicki fan but I love this song. The lyrics are pretty awesome. (to watch the video you have to click the link which will direct you to youtube.com)
"Everybody wanna try to box me in
Suffocating every time it locks me in
Paint their own pictures then they crop me in
But I will remain where the top begins
Cause I am not a word, I am not a line
I am not a girl that can ever be defined"
If you have an emergency and feel like you might hurt yourself. TELL SOMEONE!!! Call 911. Speak out. Do not be afraid. Trust me. I have been there. Help is a good thing.
As Always Much Love